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This Old Crack House

From log house to farmhouse. Farmhouse to townhouse. Townhouse to apartment house. Apartment house to crack house. Crack house to our house. Our house to our home.

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

Got Crack?

Do you have cracked plaster walls? Do those cracks annoy the hell out of you? Most people who see cracked walls think they have to replace the plaster with drywall if they want to rid themselves of the cracks. Well, you could, but it is a messy way to solve a problem. Then they remove all the lath behind the plaster and that creates a whole new set of problems when they find that the wall board won't lay flat on the old studs.
Here is the simplest way to get rid of hairline settling cracks in walls and ceilings. I didn't make this up either. I saw it on "Good Morning America" yonks ago. Back in the 90s.
People will pay $$$ for this secret. You can make $10,000 a day with my secret. In fact my uncles wifes second cousins brother whos father is a priest made $25,000 in his first week with my secret! (Sorry, it's late and the infomercials are starting to appear on the TV. I thought a blogfomercial was in order.)
I won't charge you $39.99. I won't charge you $29.99 or even $19.99 for this secret. I won't even ask for one thin dime. Why? Well people should pay for what advice is worth. Wouldn't you say that was fair? Since my advice isn't worth a damn thing, well, you get what you pay for I guess. So, what is this secret? Does it really work? Will it rid my walls of cracks forever and ever? Of course it will.
The solution? Painters caulk!

I've been messing around with my caulk all week. Sticking it in every single crack I can find. When I'm done, I wipe it down with a damp paper towel to remove the excess from the walls. See, the way it works is this. As the crack expands and contracts, so does my caulk. When it's hot, it expands. When it is cold, it shrinks. If you put a coat of latex paint over your caulk it will expand and contract too. Thus, when you are finished, the crack will be out of site and your caulk is protected.

So, in case you are curious, here I am holding my caulk!



Some of you have really dirty minds. I'll bet your parents told you that if you played with your caulk you would go blind, too...... Now where did I put my glasses?

5 Comments:

At 2/23/2006 9:25 AM, Anonymous mindy said...

Hahahahaha

You dirty caulk talker, you. Teague is going to LOVE this secret. Another excuse to whip out his caulk....

 
At 2/23/2006 10:23 AM, Anonymous Sean said...

Now a real dare is to go to a home improvement store like Home Depot or Lowes and ask one of the the employees "Can you show me your caulk?" I have not been brave enough or poker faced enough to do it....

 
At 2/23/2006 10:26 AM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

No offense, Gary. But you reminded me of my dad just now. Except he thought anything could be fixed with Joint Compound, not painters caulk.

 
At 2/23/2006 4:56 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

Heh heh heheheh ... you said caulk.

 
At 2/24/2006 4:10 PM, Blogger Mike said...

I have a friend who was welcoming a new "female" neighbor to his apartment complex. She gave him the nickel tour, and on seeing the bathroom, he said, "Looks like you could use some caulk!"

Bad choice of words.

 

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